Moments of desperation 1

There I stand..
In the long dark night
Not an answer not a single call…
Not a wise advise..
Nor a good device
No memories..absolutely no recall

Sadness….desperation…fear
All running through this cold body
Nothing can be thought about this…
But the only thing I fear is to be so lonely
Not a single word has came to my ear
From long ago on this deep chaotic mist

As I wait for my love to call upon my name
I see no sparks glittering from her eye
As I wait for her love to shine
I cant see what is unnamed
As her own sword into my body chimes
Blood flown from her own device

I don’t know what to think anymore
I don’t know what I am living for
I love her deep inside…
All my thoughts are hers…and I cant find
Her good friend
Betrayal behind her mask…
Of godliness and saintness…
I don’t know what I have to say
Maybe it is that I do care

Why do I get hurt on this lonely night
When spirits are in their rage
When my body shivers with the cold moon breeze
Where my senses are active and seeing in many colors
Why do I get lonely when my eyes are open
Why do I fear myself and whats beyond
When I can finally see more I want to close my eyes

Oh sweet lord…if you can still hear me
Please let me see….dont blind my eyes
Make me understand
Just don’t make me hard to stand…
Let me profess my words
Let me be the one with the cries
Let me be the one who judges
Still not a call…
Still not a single word
Still I am alone on this lonely world
And its nothing what my memory recalls….

Pathetic music on my back
My feet freezing to death…
My hands warm…writing…
Expressing….
My look lost
My mouth shut
My ears concentrated…
My heart…aching….
My brain….. crazy

Definitely I started to believe
that I am deranged…are the crazy ones the others?
Or is it me….I have got no control
Its all turned upside down…
No way out of this mess.
Not even death….
But whats death?
I have got no answer still in my life….
Which I don’t know what it is yet….
When I understand I probably die…
I’m nervous….very nervous.

Days making me decay
Second after second I am falling apart….
Things got warmer….or should I say…. harder
Now not tomorrow….
Everything in my life is happening now
Necessity….anger…love…lust
Hate…..hunger….peace…..death

I am afraid of the outside because
I am not sure of inside…..I just want to end
This hellish nightmare….is this heaven or is it hell
I don’t know…I can scream in pain
No one hears me….
I can bleed to death
No one sees my blood
Their eyes sewed
Bleeding….their mouth stitched
They’re ears…gone….
Walking in their decaying bodies…
With no soul….completely empty

There’s no escape from this black box
Why I am so negative….or may be positive…
Things are not so bad…always…
The thing I know is that….I need her
I need her on my hand….she makes me bleed
Darkness she embraces…
Death she kisses…

I am alone in the dark……